I'm Emily P Freeman and welcome to the next right thing it was named episode 243
 podcast about making decisions but also about making a life if you struggle with decision fatigue chronic hesitation or if you just need a few minutes away from the constant stream of information and the sometimes delightful but also distracting hum of entertainment you're in the right place for Discerning your next right thing in our last episode we drove deep into what we really mean when we say we're afraid of choosing wrong that's episode 242 today will carry that question all the way out and continue to explore what to do when we did Sue's wrong or when the consequences of our choice lets us something unwelcome or unwanted listening
I've been wanting to do an episode about regret for a while now mainly because it's something that people ask about a lot but I just hate it because I'd already did an episode on regret and I wondered do I have anything to say different but when I look back I realize that episode was from the spring of 2019 it was episode 79 it was called find relief from regret and at that time we asked the question what if you do what you think is your next right thing but later you look back and realize it wasn't the right thing after all what do you do when your next right thing turns out wrong how you handle regret it so in that episode I shared to specific stories personal stories to illustrate some of my own moment of regret and also I shared how my faith has helped me to deal with it I figured in those three years we've probably I probably hopefully learned a few things and so today I wanted to bring in another layer to coping with regret
 this says helps me not only move through it but also find peace on the other side is not a perfect peace I'll admit but it is a settled one I hope it's helpful for you as well but first a story
 recently I found myself steeped in what can only be described as a cloud of regret it's the kind that arrives like a rubber band snap in your stomach pop the cloud filled balloon silently spreading through your whole body gray Vapor pouring out filling every limb from the inside if my body were to somehow instantly disappear and its place with sand a cloudy me Shaped shadow of regret
 as we know regret can show up for all kinds of reasons we made a bad call we failed to see the signs we did something against our better judgment or maybe we did all of our homework we did all the research in advance we made the best choice available to us at the time but the outcome wasn't what we hope for it we find ourselves wishing we would have chosen differently
 we have all probably experienced various degrees of regret from leaving the house without a wallet to saying words we can't take back from choosing a career path it just wasn't a fit to be causing real harm in someone else's life
 regret can also show up though as a result of something we did not do an action we wish we would have taken a move we wish we would have made or word we could have said but chose not to for a million unknown reasons and this is where I recently found myself surrounded by the Smoky regret of having not taken action where action was needed resulting in an acute sense for me a failure is the recurring regret for me like a dark dreaded rerun on the screen of my mind the disembodied smoke of regret is nearly impossible to contain Corral or neatly repackage and conceal once it is released it sticks to the fibers and hangs on for days perhaps you can relate
 when we find ourselves here or some version of here what do we do we could wallow in it and I have done this but it doesn't help and generally makes it much worse we could distract ourselves and try to forget about it I've done this to for the regrets 6 around beneath the surface waiting for something else to trigger a fresh release we could engage it rehearse it beat ourselves up for it make strong and rigid statements about how this will never happen again summoning will power we hope is strong enough to overcome
 as much as we try to avoid it and limited the reality is Regret is part of life even if we Embrace every next right thing practice and discernment to available to us it's impossible to fully avoid the experience of regret we are people who are always in the process of becoming and the Very meaning of transformation is a change in form we are always being formed we grow we learn we unlearn we discover something about God we didn't know before something about ourselves or our neighbor that's new to us and these new discovering inform are knowing our being and are doing as long as we live I hope we continue to grow
 but as long as we're growing we'll look back at past weise's and probably be confronted with areas of regret
 so how can we move through this Cloud especially when it's dark and dense and unmoving
 the answer for me Isn't found and turning all the way toward one of the foundational virtues of my face the virtue of compassion
 when I say the word compassion I would be curious to hear what comes to your mind for me initially imagine something soft and fluffy something benign and warm not threatening and kind as nice as that picture is it seems the concept too weak to be a tool for transformation surely something more harsh with sharper edges and a stronger bite is needed
 one place where we can learn more about true compassion is in the person of Jesus as described in the Book of Matthew chapter 9 Matthew tells the story of Jesus as he traveled through all the towns and Villages verse 35 says he healed every kind of disease and illness we saw the crowds he had compassion on them because they were confused and helpless like sheep without a shepherd
 later in chapter 14 Matthew writes that Jesus heard the news about the murder of his friend and what we think to be as cousin John the Baptist and so he tried to go away to be alone with the crowds that I'm on the shore with their sick loved ones instead of anger or frustration Jesus was moved with compassion and other time in Matthew 22 geez has Came Upon two Blind Men on the roadside store begging for mercy and Jesus ask them what do you want me to do for you they said they wanted to see and Jesus was once again moved with compassion and they receive their sight
 and all these scenes the same English word is used compassion is the translation of a form of the Greek word agita my which is a verb which means to be moved inward parts and its inward Parts one concurrent refers to it as the nobler entrails and that would be the heart lungs liver and kidneys these gradually came to the note the seat of the affections when I'm in the midst of experiencing an episode of regret I feel confused and helpless like the Sheep without a Shepherd I feel unwell like those on the shore asking to be healed
 he'll blind about what to do next but the men on the side of the road begging for mercy
 in each time these needs are met with a compassionate response when it comes from the innermost part the gruesome organs of a living human body from the N word Parts the transfer lifeblood and are to break down nutrients and transform toxins this living response to a living need in the form of a compassionate presence
 one more image and we'll move into a practice I hope will help
 is it too soon to use exene related imagery I'm going to risk it anyway the general idea of the vaccine is to expose the body to a small amount of a germ on purpose so that it will produce antibodies to protect against it that's my very non-scientific way of saying it and then later when you're exposed to the German actualized your body's going to recognize it hopefully and quickly destroy it before you become unwell in essence the problem is built into the solution the solution isn't just a pure antidote the solution contains the very thing we actually fear but in order to fight against it we have to invite the unwelcome entity literally into our body so that we can learn to resist it and when I think about that I think about regret and how the opposite of regret isn't living a life of zero regret
 instead the resolution to regret at least in part is found in bringing the regret into the presence of compassion
 what does my practically look like I have four movements the first one is naming acknowledge the feeling of regret where are the places where you're experiencing regret name it and hold it up to the light
 no I want to say that I recognized some regrets that we have are so acute so painful that the idea of naming and facing them are actually debilitating until I want to acknowledge the importance of maybe being willing to do this in an environment where you will be supported so if that means this practice feels too far outside of your own window of tolerance to do by yourself consider inviting a friend a trained counselor or therapist or spiritual director to walk with you through the naming process this could look like a time of Silent prayer where you named what happened how it feels what you wish you would have known what you wish you could have done instead or might be easier for you to write these things down in order to keep focus and make it tangible
 so that's naming the Nexus timing give adequate time we are so groomed for Solutions and we do not like discomfort but my fear is at least in our Western culture we moved too quickly passed a herd of failure in pain cutting the grieving process short and in turn the healing process as well getting ourselves adequate time for this is not permission to wallow it is an invitation to grieve you have a real and felt regret this is painful and it brings up a lot of emotion in you but here you still are breathing in and out
 here you are still a human person among human people what can we do as we wait
 well that brings us to the third movement of surrounding invite a compassionate presence
 this may come in the form of as I said before an actual human I also think it's important to access the compassion that lives in you Joyce Rupp says self-compassion implies giving ourselves a worthy share of attentive care it means staying with our self in times of trouble pain and grief will confess you know an awareness of the compassionate presence of my friend Jesus has been for me the most transformative practice I've been gauged in in the last six months particularly when I'm overcome with the Relentless unwavering fog of regret
 are you aware of a compassionate divine presence upon which this regret could be placed
 finally number for extending offer compassion to others as practice
 in her book compassion listening to the cries of the world author Christina Feldman says quote I could never extend a boundless compassion to anyone unless I know deeply would it means to hold myself in a Compassionate Heart
 in addition to experiencing freedom from regret for ourselves surrounding ourselves with compassionate presence is vital if we want to be people who create generous space for those who are suffering around if you're lost in the fog of regret bound and wound up by what ifs and if onlys and we can't reach you we can't receive from you we can't enjoy your presence in our lives we've all done things we wish we could take back and we all have not done things we wish we could reverse take heart you're not alone you're not beyond our reach and neither is anyone else
 as you work through your own experience of regret and if you want to learn more about surrounding yourself with compassion the book boundless compassion by Joyce Rupp I found to be helpful also Daily practice of journaling and naming the things I can't control and finally frequent prayer walks to acknowledge my smallness in this Creed world to release energy in the presence of God who is always with me no matter where I am who I'm with or what's gone wrong
 so here's to you my friend as you wrestle with the regrets of life in the naming timing the surrounding and the extending may you be ever aware of the compassionate presence of God with you within you and around you
 and may you find the courage to do just the next right thing in love
 thanks for listening to episode 243 of the next right thing
 I hope the simple practice of embracing the virtue of compassion and be just one more run on the trellis if I'm with your Rhythm of Life can continue to grow because while it's true this is a podcast about making decisions it's also true our daily decisions are making our lives as always you can find me on Instagram at Emily P Freeman or online at Emily P Freeman.com where you can also find a transcript of this and every episode so much thanks to Leah Jarvis for making that possible and to the team at immutable for editing each episode for us in closing here are a few words from Diane M Mills from her book conversation the Sacred Heart
 compassionate abiding like sacred holding is a practice that encouraged us to go within before venturing out if we're able to go within with what we find difficult or dislike we're less likely to react impulsively when we venture out in more likely to respond compassionately
 thanks for listening and I'll see you next time